Cage Fight in the Kitchen is a year old! It's been a hard fought year relative to domestic violence. Mine ended last month with the murder conviction of a woman who brutally killed her two year old stepson, over two-hundred fifty cases, dozens of arrests, and speeches and seminar appearances in Texas, Missouri, Oregon, Missouri, Wyoming, and Arkansas. I marched in the Men's March Against Violence last week, and one of the proudest moments of my life was marching with that group of good men committed to non-violence in the home, shoulder to shoulder with my youngest son and father, led by a bagpipe band, and topping the hill to see my wife waiting with her camera ready.
There have been times when I've wondered if anyone reads this blog, or if it has any positive effect. Who knows? What I'm certain of, however, is that there are still men, women and children living afraid in their own homes, and that this means there is still work to be done. So, the march continues....
God Bless, David Williams
Substance Abuse in Domestic Violence
Let’s begin with the premise that the use of intoxicating substance, whether they be legal such as alcohol, or illegal such as marijuana or crack cocaine, is not in and of itself evil. People do stupid things when they are curious, frustrated, depressed or anxious, and more effort should be made in this country to prevent use and provide rehabilitation for those suffering from addiction. I believe strongly that abuse of drugs is the shortest path to destruction for any individual short of outright suicide, and that prevention and rehab programs save lives, help avert communities from deteriorating, and result in fewer inmates in our prison systems.
Putting aside the tragedy of addiction for individuals, the real issue is not about the substances themselves but the black market associated with contraband. Therein lies one of the most significant challenges for modern law enforcement. That market brings with it the cruelest of violent acts, good people being caught in cross fires, organized criminal activity, and the smutty tendrils of other associated crimes that destroy communities. Black markets turn Mayberry’s into Gangland’s, and they must not be tolerated by anyone who wants to live in comfort and peace.
Substance abuse plays a part in domestic violence in a myriad of ways. For example, I have rarely gone into a home where violence has taken place when alcohol or other drugs were not used. It is simply ingrained as part of the violence cycle that it is actually surprising when it is determined that no drugs are involved.
I’ve heard it said that people on marijuana are more mellow and, therefore, less likely to have a propensity for violence. Perhaps, but make no mistake that some of the most violent, cruel folks I’ve ever met dealt in and used marijuana on a regular basis. Yes, that hearkens back to the black market issue, but individuals who dabble in or frequently access that market are inevitably exposed to that violence. If you run in the rain, you’re going to get wet.
To be clear, however, the drugs that seem to have the most violent influence in the home tend to be alcohol followed by methamphetamine in a distant second place. For the moment, then, let’s leave all the illegal activity behind and focus entirely on alcohol.
Why do some people get so sweet and funny when drinking, and others want to get in a bar fight or beat their significant others? I don’t have a good scientific answer for you other than to say that in my very strong personal opinion, “mean drunks” are simply mean people who suppress their jerk personality most of the time, but can’t keep it hidden when they drink.
Look, if you drink with a happy person, they are likely to tell you how much they love you, how wonderful the music is, their life philosophies, and their dreams and goals. Drink with a person who is frustrated at work, and you’re likely to hear all about their swine of a boss for the next couple of hours. Drink with a person who is angry at the world for never getting the right girl or job or break, and you’re likely to end up getting into or breaking up a fight as the evening draws on. Personality and disposition plays a huge role in how well people tolerate liquor and how they respond to others when they’re on it.
Now expand that to include angry people who get drunk at home, and who may also have a strong tendency to bully and control. A toxic situation is in the works, and this can get even worse when the alcohol begins to affect the subordinate partner as well. In other words, imagine the situation when a generally meek, controlled wife gets “uppity” because the alcohol has made a little spark of frustrated courage bubble to the surface. Suddenly she’s telling the abusive person in her life what a bag of syphilis he’s been to her, and how she’s not going to take it anymore. Just what is a violent, intoxicated, angry control freak to do? Why, you re-establish the pecking order, of course.
Another all-too-frequent scenario involves the sober victim and the increasingly intoxicated abuser. In this situation the victim in a master/serving girl routine she’s been forced to “play” many times before is often serving the abusive partner the intoxicant. In essence, she’s obliged to bring him the very substance she knows will get him worked up enough to become violent. It becomes a vulgar race to see if she can get him drunk enough to pass out or to be able to outrun him before it occurs to him that she isn’t serving him properly and commences the beating.
One more common circumstance occurs when they’ve been out on the town, perhaps at a dance club. This is generally a bad idea because even if she is as homely as a hippo, a man inclined to be violently controlling will believe that she’s wanting to have sex with every man in the bar once the guy gets a few drinks in him. Jealousy is always ugly, but it’s downright hideous with this type of personality on whisky. And heaven help her even more if she has the audacity to question his ability to drive while intoxicated. She might as well have laughed at his penis size in front of her friends for all the hell she’ll catch once they’re home.
Returning to illegal drugs allows us to explore a whole slew of other ways in which substance abuse has a negative impact on domestic violence. For one thing, the very fact that illegal drugs are being used has a stifling effect in terms of people’s willingness to call the police. The victim often won’t call for help out of fear she will be lassoed in for the dope bust or, in some cases, a significant portion of the current finances would be gone if her dope-peddling husband goes to jail.
There can’t be enough attention paid to this issue. When the abuser is also a distributor of illegal narcotics, he gains significant leverage over the people he controls. If, for example, he is the sole bread winner, and he’s bringing in a nifty income from selling crack cocaine rocks, it may be extremely difficult to do anything that would remove him as the source of that income.
Even worse, if the victim is addicted to the substance he happens to be selling, she knows that his removal from the home to jail also means the removal of her dope source. This can be as terrifying as homelessness and hunger in some cases. A fellow can get away with a hell of a lot if he’s supplying the crystal meth to an addict.
Perhaps most tragically, many victims will refrain from seeking help when they’re in a violent relationship because they are terrified that the police or child protective services agencies will find out about the drug use and take the children away from her. I don’t know about you, but I’d endure torture before I’d give up my kids. Sadly, the fact that those children are being exposed to toxic pollutants, ongoing violence, and blatant disrespect for them and their mother often never occurs to people who are trapped in this nightmare.
Yes, yes, shame on her for getting involved or addicted in the first place. Glass houses and cast stones may occur to some at this point, because none of us gets through life mistake-less. Don’t get me wrong: drug addiction is a whopper, and there are times when children must be taken from their homes. But in so many of these cases, people start using drugs for the simple reason that they want to escape, at least temporarily, from the stark knowledge that their life is hellish. Drugs do that, albeit in a completely destructive way, but we repeatedly see this effort at clumsy self-medication in situations where violence and threats are a way of life. Add on some level of mental illness such as chemical depression, and you begin to see just how slippery conditions become when street drugs are available that make you feel happy for the first time in months. Never mind that the same drugs will rot you from the inside.
This is where communities and shelters can do the most good. When a person who is being routinely bullied and beaten learns that her community will support her in getting sober, establishing a rewarding life path, and staying safe while she engages in the fight of her life, she is much more likely to place her faith and energy in getting well. If that person is successful, the community benefits from getting a productive citizen back, and the victim is rewarded with a rebirth.
It’s a tough message, though. Slavery to an abuser coupled with slavery to an addiction is a tough chain to break, especially if your self-esteem is low, the danger is high, and the incessant call of the drug is obsessive. The resources and support system have to be in place, and the person must make a conscious decision that enough is enough for success to occur.
That having been said, I don’t believe in coddling either a battered woman or an addicted person. By and large we are talking about people who have a certain amount of street savvy and survival skills, and their propensity to try to manipulate the situation to get out of an arrest, invoke pity, deny responsibility, and repeat the same mistakes over and over tends to be pretty high. A person can’t just talk about taking action as in, “I’m going to give him one more chance,” when she’s already given him ten one-more-chances, or “I’ve got control (of my addiction) back this time. It [using] won’t happen again.” They must actually take action.
They can’t say they’re going to go to AA meetings, but always have a reason why they couldn’t go that day. They can’t say they’ll go to rehab if it ever happens again, or promise to make an appointment with their doctor to get medical help. If you’re talking about the possibility that you need rehab, you probably need rehab. They can’t promise to stop going to the liquor store and then find themselves in line at the corner drive through. Taking action is the difference between staying in an abusive household or escaping, killing yourself and destroying your family with drugs or seeking professional help, living lies that are wrecking your faith and the faith people have in you or demonstrating to the world that you are strong enough to control your own destiny.
On the other hand, something truly remarkable happens when a person can finally break the chain of addiction, including the “addiction” of an abusive lifestyle. People who find it within themselves to escape and make new lives for themselves, whether that be through a structured process such as a twelve-step program, going to a shelter, rehabilitation, wrap-around support of loved ones, medical interventions, or some method of their own device take on a certain zeal and passion. You can see it in their physical makeup in that they look and move healthier than when they were being oppressed. Many talk about their escape with the enthusiasm of a religious convert, bubbling over with their desire to spread the message of hope and empowerment they may be feeling for the first time in years. It’s a response observers fervently hope lasts, and one in which loved ones and the professional service providers in their lives will line up to support and encourage.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)