Anger Management: Myth of the Rage-A-Holic

The following is an excerpt from an interview I did with a man who had just beaten his girlfriend and her six-week-old infant.  This portion of his statement came in a little over an hour into the interview.  He’d lied about almost everything to this point, but eventually he got tired and knew we knew he was lying.  He finally threw in the towel hoping he’d get credit for “being honest:” 

Williams

So, what was going on in your head right at the moment you smashed the baby through the wall?

Suspect

I don’t know.  I just lost it.  I was trying to get her to drink some milk or something.  I don’t know.  She just kept crying, and I wanted her to shut up.  I just lost it…

Williams

You lost it.  The baby was crying too much, and…so are you saying you lost what…your temper?  Control?  What did you lose?

Suspect

My control, I guess.  I go into these rages, and I don’t remember nothing.  I just lose it sometimes when I get that mad. 

Williams

You’ve lost it with the baby before, haven’t you?

Suspect

Yeah.

Williams

How many times?  What’s the most number of times you think you’ve lost control while you were taking care of the baby?

Suspect

I don’t know.  Maybe six? 

Williams

The baby is six weeks old.  So are you saying you go into a rage and lose total control about once a week, every week for as long as that baby has been alive?

Suspect

Not every week.  Sometimes it was like two or three times in one week, so that adds up to six pretty quick. 

This guy’s statement wasn’t so very different from a lot of others I’ve heard over the years.  Loss of control due to rage is pretty handy as an excuse for having done inexcusable things.  This guy literally shoved that six week old baby thorough sheetrock, and the only thing that stopped the child from going all the way through into the next room was the stud in the wall.  I asked him about the hole in the wall during the interview.  I’d already seen it, but he didn’t know that.  Specifically, I asked him about the size of the hole.  His answer:  “About baby size.” 

            Here’s what tripped him up in terms of his whole, “It’s not my fault because I don’t have control over my rages,” defense.  After he was done nearly killing the baby and then beating and threatening the baby’s mother for good measure, he had her call 911 for an ambulance because the baby had stopped breathing.  In the background he could be heard whispering, “Tell them she fell off the couch.”  Oh, and that hole in the wall I mentioned a second ago?  He had the wherewithal and control to actually pin a poster over the damaged sheetrock before the ambulance crew arrived.  It was a picture of a red dragon, something I found intensely ironic. 

            Now, given that he had the ability to quickly manufacture a lie, rehearse the lie with the mother of the baby, feed her lines to say as she spoke with dispatchers, cover evidence of his crime, and initially tell an almost convincing story to the paramedics and police officers, how much do you believe that he lost all control due to some rage impulse just minutes before?  

When it was all said and done, we cut a large section out of the wall and submitted it as evidence so that we could show the actual “baby-sized hole” at trial.  We never had to, though.  He ended up taking a plea bargain for ninety years in the pen.

Miraculously, the baby healed well and was fine, and let us be thankful she was too young to remember the monster that was her father. 

I’m sure that there are real instances of human beings losing total control, Dr. Jekyll style, and causing all sorts of mayhem and nastiness.  In most cases, however, it’s been my experience that loss of control due to rage is a weak excuse offered by the bad guy when he knows he’s caught. 

Why doesn’t he “lose it” with his demanding boss who rates his work as substandard, his probation officer who insists on yet another pee test, the unarmed police investigator accusing him of horrible crimes in an interrogation room, or the judge who sentences him to hard time that will take up a big portion of the rest of his life?  Surely all of those people served to rile him up, stress him out, or otherwise just piss him off and, yet, he doesn’t lose control with any of those people¾just the one with whom he lives, has sex and children, breaks bread, and shares dreams (not to mention, the ones who are significantly smaller and weaker). 

Obviously I’m not a big fan of the blind rage excuse.  I am, however, a supporter of the mentally ill, and I consider myself to be a long-time advocate for better treatment of those suffering from mental illness from police officers and jail staff.  I believe strongly that we, as a society, don’t do enough preventive treatment for people suffering from severe mental illness, and as a result we end up having to feed and house them in our prison systems for years after they commit crimes while ill.  At least sixty percent of the men and women in our prison system suffer from a severe mental illness such as bipolar or schizophrenia and I have to wonder what kind of positive effect increased preventative care would have on our national crime stats. 

            I’m not really talking about that type of severity when I speak of the people who use blind rage as a crutch when they get caught, though.  If they were truly psychotic, that rage would not simply go away as soon as they got their way, and common sense would dictate that it would come bubbling right back as soon as stressors such as challenges to their authority or loss of freedom became a reality. 

            Along these same lines, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the phrase, “He’s a nice man when he’s not drunk.”  Look, mean drunks are just mean people who mask their asshole-ness most of the time, and only lose the façade when alcohol or drugs cause their defenses to drop.  I don’t drink much, but I tend to be fairly happy when I have a beer or two.  In fact, one of my hard and fast rules is that I don’t drink when I’m sad.  How pitiful is it to cry in ones beer, after all?  Yes, I certainly understand that alcohol is often used to numb the pain of…whatever…but I also know it sucks to be sad and drunk simultaneously. 

            My point is that I’m an essentially cheerful person.  Cheerful people who choose to drink (and not drive) tend to be fairly cheerful when they quaff a few with their friends.  Conversely, the “angry drunk” is most often an angry person who only shows the world his or her true spirit when the spirits allow them to do so.  And, presto, the guy who gets drunk, gets mad, and gets violent has a built-in excuse for his actions:  “I lost it because I’d been drinking.” 

            What a rectum. 

This distinction is important when we talk about prevention and changing patterns of violent behavior.  We hear the term, “Anger Management Program” often when we discuss how best to get a batterer to stop hurting those with whom he lives, but truly that is only one portion of the puzzle when we’re talking about getting a violent person to stop being so violent.  If we can agree that such a person really can control and manage his anger, then we have to acknowledge there is more to it than just sending a guy through a class for six weeks and believing he’s a changed man. 

There is a high probability that a batterer grew up watching one person in his home batter another.  He may well have been the victim of such abuse, and so there is a valid argument to make that he simply doesn’t know any other way.  It is also likely that he hates that part of himself, and there is a portion of him that doesn’t like being the bully.  This is why I lean heavily in favor of Batterer’s Intervention Programs. 

Batterer’s Intervention Programs differ from Anger Management Programs in that they strive to focus not just on the anger, but also on the patterns and cycles leading to abusive situations, the history of abuse within the individual, and effective strategies for having successful relationships.  It is a much broader picture than just addressing the anger.  The anger must be taken into account, by all means, but it is only one chair at the table. 

Because Batterer’s Intervention Programs invest in so much more, they tend to be much longer programs.  Anger Management style classes tend to average around six weeks, whereas Batterer’s Intervention Programs may be as long as six to nine months. 

I find a real analogy in this area with a person who earnestly wants to quit using an addictive substance.  There is little reason to believe an addicted person will quit simply by saying, “I’m not going to use that substance any more.”  The person might be more successful if their friends and family support them in their goals, and then their success could be even more possible if they seek treatment with a physician.  To take it to the next level, that person probably needs to explore the emotional reasons for having tried the drug in the first place, and the back-story behind falling into an addictive lifestyle.  Is there depression involved, an obsessive/compulsive disorder, or a series of destructive behaviors that must be dealt with?  Maybe there is an issue with that person growing up watching the adults in his or her life abusing the same substance, and that person never learned that there is life beyond the substance. 

Regardless, it is clear that the more inclusive and supportive a substance abuse program, the more successful the addicted person will be in getting and staying sober.  I believe the same holds true for abusive domestic partners.  The more open they are to exploring the fundamental reasons for their anger, their actions, and their responses to stress, the more successful they can be in their own lives and in the important relationships in their lives. 

Batterer’s Intervention Programs are growing in number across the country.  They can be court ordered, or they can often be found offered by mental health facilities, through some churches, or through referrals from domestic violence shelters.  If you are a loved one of a victim or even of a batterer, it is important to know the distinction between “controlling” one’s anger and learning patterns that will allow a lot of that anger to finally be released in a positive way.  One is simply an excuse for unacceptable behavior, and the other is an actual path toward a life in which peace and quality relationships can become a reality.