Leaving and Living SAFELY

Emergency Plans Before Leaving

Let’s assume that a person has opted to stay in a violent home for any number of reasons, or she’s working up to the day when she actually leaves.  Perhaps she’s just waiting for Christmas to be over, or for one more paycheck to come in before she pulls the plug.  This is a dicey time because she knows things could go bad in an instant.  There have never been so many eggshells in her home, and she’s trying hard not to step on any of them.  There needs to be a plan in place just in case an emergency occurs; a preparation that will allow her to escape at any hour of the day or night without being badly injured, and with a real chance of getting away for good.  Here are reasonable steps to take as part of that plan. 

• Avoid rooms where a batterer has access to weapons, especially if he seems to be gearing up for a violent outburst. 
• Have a plan in place as to what exits to use if trapped in any part of the house.  A good way to think of this is as if you’re pre-planning for getting out in case of a fire. 
• Talk over your situation with a trusted neighbor, friend or family member.  Neighbors can be asked to call 911 if they hear screams or hostility.  This simple step often gets neighbors involved that would otherwise try to ignore the problem as “none of their business.” 
• Establish a code word or phrase you can use with a trusted friend of family member. This code phrase should be something simple and something that could conceivable come up in conversation such as, “No, my allergies are fine today,” or “Can you pick up some root beer for me when you go?”  The code word or phrase is to be used only when an emergency is brewing, and it means, “Call the police.  Things are getting ready to go straight to hell.” 
• Do research about safety planning on a computer he can’t access, such as at a library.  Every website you access will be stored on your computer’s hard drive, and you want to limit or eliminate clues about your plans. 
• Use phones that the batterer won’t be able to access for records of who you called (such as a battered women’s shelter, the police department, etc.)

Planning Your Exit

Life is complicated enough without having to worry about all this, I grant you, but a little bit of careful exit strategy can make all the difference in terms of safety, lifestyle, stress level, and the ability to quickly and smoothly move on with your life.  Here are some good ideas to implement before the escape, assuming of course that you have the luxury of time. 

• Establish a post office box.  Many post office box companies now feature boxes with an address that has the look of a real address.  For example, your P.O. box could be 4321 Apple street Suite 876 instead of P.O. Box 4321.  This will be valuable later when you start putting your new address down on documents such as school forms, an address for attorneys, police and courts, all of your bills and magazine subscriptions, and any other mail you get, all without actually giving out the physical address where you and your kids will be living. 
• Establish a bank account.  This needs to be done in a separate bank from the one you share with the batterer.  You’ll have to disclose all your transactions if you go through a divorce process later, but a bank account all your own is empowering and allows you to take your half of the financial assets and put them somewhere safe when the time is right. 
• Pack a bag with enough clothing, toiletries, vitamins, prescriptions, and anything else you absolutely need for living out of a suitcase for several days.  DO NOT store this bag in or near your home.  Discovery of a “jump” bag by a controlling batterer will get you hurt.  Store it with your most trusted friend or family member. 
• Gather your birth certificate, social security card, driver’s license, other personal identification cards (military, passport, etc.), insurance documents, a checkbook or bank passbook, food stamps, savings bonds, vehicle registrations, a copy of the lease or deed to your home, medical and school records, and any other legal document that might apply.  Imagine having to reconstruct all of those documents from a shelter phone or a motel room. 
• Make sure you have gathered all the prescriptions for medications you or your children will need. 
• Have a list of important contact phone numbers.
• Give a copy of all of the above documents to a trusted family member or friend. 
• Give a set of important keys to that same trusted person. 

After the Escape

After leaving, certain actions must take place in order to insure maximum safety and to cement your resolve so that you don’t reverse the difficult decision you made. 

• Make a list of grievances.  You may have already done this, but now would be a good time to create or update a list of all the really bad things done to you that created the environment so hostile you felt the need to leave.  This might include all the times he hit or threatened you, denied you basic human rights, lied, belittled you, hurt the children, or cut you off from family an friends.  This list will embolden you during those times you’re feeling lonely or when your conscience is bothering you that you might have left for inadequate reasons.  It’s a great tool for when he starts sending love letters, flowers, and text messages promising to change. 
• Change the locks on your door if you have stayed in your own home. 
• Give copies of your protection order to your children’s school, your place of employment, trusted neighbors, and to any police investigator involved in your case.  Keep a copy of the order with you at all times. 
• Show photos of the person you fear to neighbors and ask them to call the police if they see him show up around the neighborhood. 
• Ask someone to screen your calls at work.  This may not be possible if you are responsible for answering phones. 
• Have someone walk you to and from your car each workday.  Attacks and confrontations in place of employment parking lots are extremely common.  The buddy system works, so resolve that you will not walk to your car for the first few weeks unless someone is with you or watching. 
• Talk to your children about the importance of not divulging your new address or showing the batterer where you live. 
• Seek assistance and guidance from people who deal with domestic violence for a living including battered women shelter staff members, victim advocates in prosecutor’s offices, police agencies, and attorneys.  You’re probably new to all this; they are not and, believe it or not, they probably have a trick or two up their sleeves that will help keep you safe and smooth out the new life path you’ve taken. 
• Seek therapy.  Look, you’ve been through a lot of emotional trauma, and there’s no sense in carrying all that pressure around if there are professionals who can help you get rid of it and learn from your experiences.  Shelters and victim advocates will have a list of therapists who specialize in this area, and often your bills can be paid through grants and charitable funds so you don’t have to worry about paying for treatment.