Stalking Do's and Don'ts

STALKING: What To Do

If you or a loved one are being victimized by stalking there are certain things to do that will be very effective, and other things victims often do that make life much harder than it needs to be.  For simplicity sake, these are broken them down into lists of things To Do and things Not To Do. 

To Do

• Tell the obsessed person one time, preferably in writing, e-mail, or in front of a witness, that you want him or her to leave you alone, and that you do not want any more contact with them.  Keep a copy of the letter or e-mail, or document the date and time you made this clear verbally, and the witness who heard you say it.  This, of course, is a bit more difficult when you share a child or major investment with that person, but there is no good reason to continue dialogue with him or her unless it is with a third party present or unless information about the child or property is relayed through neutral messengers or attorneys. 
• Tell someone that you think you’re being stalked, even if you don’t have any direct evidence.  In Gaven DeBecker’s book, The Gift of Fear, he speaks very convincingly about listening to your intuition.  I believe in intuition, and I am convinced that the people who actually listen to theirs and take action to support their little internal voice live longer, healthier lives than people who choose to ignore it. 
• Keep a log of everything you find suspicious, alarming, annoying, or downright frightening.  If he drives by your house yelling profanities and knocks over your trash can, jot a sentence or two in a spiral notebook, along with the date, time, and any witnesses who may have seen him do it.  Logs come in very handy when pursuing warrants and when filing lawsuits later on. 
• Save all text messages, e-mails and phone messages.  They are excellent evidence. 
• Buy or borrow a little recording device, and turn it on any time he calls.  Recordings of him making threats, calling you names, and promising that you will never be rid of him are the evidentiary equivalent of chocolate pie for me--they both make an investigator's day.  In some cases you may even be able to initiate the call in the hopes of gathering incriminating statements, but this falls more into the area of entrapment and possible wire-tapping issues.  In my jurisdiction it’s fine; in yours it may not be.  Check with your local police department or prosecutor’s office before you launch off in that direction, but recorded threats and harassment are valuable. 
• Talk to your neighbors and ask them to be on the lookout for anything suspicious, especially if they could recognize your ex.  You’d be surprised how neighborly folks can be at a time like this. 
• Keep your phone charged and handy at all times.  It could well turn out to be your lifeline in an emergency.
• Take a different route home every day, and vary your schedule often.  You have no idea how crafty some of these guys can be.  Remember, he’s bad-mouthed you to his friends, so they might loan him a car so you don’t recognize him.  Think like he’s trying to hunt you, and imagine what “camouflage” he might use. 
• Trade cars with a friend if at all possible.  
• Put serious thought into how you would defend yourself if you are attacked or if your home is entered.  An upcoming post on self-defense goes into greater depth on this topic. 
• Have a safety plan in place in case an emergency such as a home invasion or an assault takes place.  You don’t want to have to think of long-term plans in the moment of crisis, and having a few items and documents lined up and ready to go on a moment’s notice can save a lot of effort and aggravation later.  (see post: Leaving and Living Safely).
• Take your computer to a professional technician and have them look for “spy ware” and any tracking devices that might have been placed on your machine.  Software is readily available that can be quickly installed into your computer either by hand or through unwanted e-mails with nasty little viruses designed to root into your system and keep a close, close eye on everything you do on your computer.  Once the spy ware is found, have it removed.  The one exception to this is when such spy ware could be used as evidence in a criminal case.  If that is even a remote possibility, discuss options with your police investigator prior to having your computer examined.  The investigator may want to have the information extracted “forensically,” meaning that a trained expert can collect information from your computer that can later be used as evidence in a trial. 
• Alert your police investigator that your computer technician found such spy ware, especially if your stalker seems to know things about you that he couldn’t possibly know unless he was monitoring your online activity. 
• Include the police if you have even an inkling that you’re in danger.  I know it feels bad to involve the police, but you didn’t start this.  It’s part of taking care of yourself and the problem. 
• Tell your employer if you trust him or her.  More and more employers are recognizing that an assault on one of their employees is a problem for the whole company.  They want to protect valuable employees and many will go out of their way to provide support, services and encouragement in bleak times. 
• Seek an order of protection.  We will spend more time on this topic later, but suffice it to say that this simple court order can save you a lot of headaches and nightmares in the weeks and months to come. 
• Strongly consider pursuing prosecution if you have been stalked and/or assaulted.  An obsessive personality may eventually give up on you, but he or she tends to go out and find a new victim.  Participation in prosecution may well help him to learn a better way of dealing with other people.  If a stalking personality truly learns that lesson, albeit in the harsh school of arrest and the criminal justice system, your actions may have saved the next woman in his life from having to endure what you did. 

Do Not

• Return text messages, e-mails, phone calls, or letters after you have once, and only once, announced to the person that you wish to have no further contact with him. Ignore insults, threats and “baits” to argue.  This is just a stalker’s invitation to come out and play. 
• Keep expensive gifts.  I’m sure it is a lovely bracelet or they are very pretty flowers.  They are also the first items his attorney will bring up in a trial later to show what a “greedy, manipulative money-grubber” you are.  Give the gifts to a third party and ask them to return it the same day you receive them.  It’s just not worth it. 
• Agree to “one last talk.”  This is a sucker’s bet, and you’ll lose.  Keep reminding yourself of the cruelty, violence, rumor spreading, and cheating you’ve already endured, and this will help steel you against whiney, sobbing pleas for one more chance.
• Be manipulated by threats of suicide if you won’t return.  If he’s really suicidal you can call the police so they can get him to a hospital.  You don’t need to be involved any more than that. 
• Decide to arbitrarily delete text messages, e-mails, or phone messages just because you don’t consider them to be of any evidentiary value.  Let someone who deals with evidence for a living help you make that decision. 
• Remain silent when receiving a barrage of harassment and threats from him, his friends, or his family.  If they want to make it Us-versus-Them, I assure you we have more guys on our side.  You don’t have to do this alone.  
• Lie to yourself that everything is okay.  I don’t want you walking around paranoid all the time, but you need to be wary.  There is a difference, and you need to learn it if you want to be optimally safe and emotionally stable at the same time. 

Moving?

Should you move?  He knows where you live, and if you are convinced that he isn’t going to leave you alone, or that you will never feel safe in your home, moving may be the lesser of two evils.  It’s expensive, time consuming, stressful, and a big old hassle, but if it means you will be safer and/or feel safer, it may be the right choice. 

            If you choose this route, I recommend a few simple steps to keep you safer and hopefully keep him from finding you again. 

            First and foremost, don’t put your physical address on ANYTHING.  Go get a post office box, preferably one that looks like a real address, and use that address for bills, information sheets for your children’s school admission, bank statements, letters from friends and family, petitions for protection or restraining orders, and applications to win a drawing for a new car or the trip of a lifetime.  Do not give out your new home address to anybody, and instruct your children to do the same.  Okay, maybe your mother and your best friend, but only if you are confident they understand the importance of this secret. 

            And, yes, use this address when you are giving information to the police.  Unfortunately, the U.S. Freedom of Information Act obligates government agencies to share certain information from their computer systems upon being requested.  This means that a stalking suspect could get his hands on your new address if your police agency honors his written request.*

            As noted above, it’s important to take a different route home every night so that you aren’t followed from work or school to your house.  This becomes even more critical when you’ve moved in an attempt to get away from someone.  How sad will it be if he figures out where you’ve gone after all the hassle of moving in the first place?

            Don’t use the Internet at your home with your own identifiers.  In other words, pick new user names and passwords, and never type in any personal information such as address, phone, places of employment or where your children go to school.  There are people in this world who make a living by finding people through their Internet use, and it’s going to be a real shame if your stalker finds you because you ordered a book online and had it delivered to your house or started “chatting” with friends on a social website.  There are several software options available that allow one person to know what another person is putting into her computer.  If he’s ever had access to your computer, he may know the moment you’ve moved your Internet Service Provider (ISP) the instant you log on, and be able to find your new physical address armed with that information

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* The one exception is if you are being investigated as a suspect in a crime or if you have been arrested.  Don’t give a post office box to a police officer at those times and expect him to be happy with you when he finds out later.  A lot of people don’t show up for court, and he wants to know he can find you later.