Shifting Loyalties

Years ago when I was on patrol I routinely drove through the parking lots of nightclubs right around closing time.  The presence of a prowling squad car cut way down on the fights reminded exiting patrons that it might be a good idea to hire a taxi to get home instead of having to deal with me and a drunk driving arrest.

            One night I was cruising through the lot of a particularly notorious country-western themed club.  Some of the people waved, a few made pig noises, but in general everyone was relatively well behaved enough that I was heading toward the exit.  The music was still thumping loud enough I could actually feel it as opposed to just hearing it, and a mass exodus of people in all manners of “cowboy” dress and levels of intoxication were spilling out.  The air was a heavy mix of perfumes and body odor, and the chatter melted into a festive buzz. 

All of a sudden dozens of people started pointing toward the back of the club, and there was a frantic tension to the gestures.   I told the dispatch center that I was heading around to the back of the building to check out a possible fight, and I heard a fellow officer say over the radio that he would start heading my way to back me up. 

A crowd had gathered, and as I rounded the corner I saw a man pummeling a woman who was curled up in a ball on the ground, trying desperately to cover her head as he threw a hailstorm of blows and screamed in her ear.  He had a knee on her back making it difficult of her to move, and none of the “cowboys” were moving to help. 

I yelled, “Police!” as I yanked him off, and he stumbled sideways off her for a few seconds.  He was back up before I even had my handcuffs out, and I distinctly remember thinking, “Oh, crap.” He was gigantic.  I know storytellers have a tendency to embellish the size of the fish that got away or the level of threat from an enemy, but this guy was the size of an elevator door—honest. 

Have you ever seen one of those rodeo contests in which several spectators volunteer to play “Cowboy Poker?”  The rules are simple.  The volunteers sit around a poker table that has been placed in the center of the arena.  A very angry bull is released into said arena, and in a matter of seconds all but one or two of the idiots at the table run for the fences.  A couple of even less bright individuals will stay seated at the table, because the one to stay seated longest wins.  Of course, the entire time they’re exposed to an enraged beast comprised entirely of gristle, horns and hate whose testicles were sharply yanked just prior to his arena entrance gate being opened. 

Now, I’m not too big an idiot, and I most definitely wanted to be one of the less stupid fellows who run for it, but the problem was that my enraged bull had just been trying to stomp the brains out of the woman who was still lying in a fetal position, sobbing and bleeding near the edge of the loose circle of onlookers¾who were still on-looking. 

So, I didn’t have much of a choice.  I had to stay at the table and try to avoid this man’s horns.  My advantages were that I was sober, armed and a little bit faster than him.   Nonetheless, I really wanted the other officer to hurry up. 

Now if you know anything at all about police work, you know I was wearing a gun, a nightstick, and pepper spray.  This was in the days before electronic Tasers, so that wasn’t an option.  The thing was, he got up so fast I didn’t even have time to grab for the spray or the baton, and for the next minute or so he and I shoved and growled at each other all over the parking lot.  I remember briefly flying at one point. 

Finally I got him in an off balance moment, and I was able to send him rolling sideways.  This worked great because, as luck would have it, he hit his head on a car fender as he went down.  It rang his bell just enough that his fight was over, and I moved with all speed to handcuff him.  Right about the time I got the second cuff on his wrist (which was, by the way, as thick as a softball¾honest), the woman who had been crying in her little puddle of blood climbed onto my back and began clawing me from front to back. 

At this point the whole scene went from being a crowd enthralling gutter fight to slapstick as I flailed around the same parking lot trying valiantly to remove the shrieking harpy from my flanks, all the while doing my best to keep from actually hurting her.

My partner arrived about the time I was finally able to remove her and within seconds of being arrested she slipped into a sleepy calm.  She went from Iron Maiden to cuddly in twenty seconds, and it didn’t take much longer than that for the crowd to disperse.  The show was over. 

Loyalty is a quirky thing.  It keeps men from running away in battle, makes us feel defensive when someone insults our family or heritage, and occasionally makes us cruel or even violent toward people who are trying to help us. 

In this woman’s case, I’ll never know if her loyalty stemmed from fear of this man trying to kill her, love of the same man, hatred of police, or loathing of the person taking her man’s freedom away.  Regardless, she fought like a lioness for a man who had just tortured and mocked her, and though that story will always be a vivid one for me, the issue of misplaced loyalty is one that has come up thousands of times in my cases over the years. 

One of the most constant themes we address in domestic violence investigations has to do with the revolving door pattern of abuse, separation, reconciliation, and back to abuse.  In the circle of professionals throughout law enforcement, social work, victim advocacy, prosecution, and health care, this pattern is called the Cycle of Violence (see November 2010). 

Often a woman is very angry with her abusive partner at the time the police arrive, and officers frequently hear that she wants to “press charges” to the fullest extent of the law.  However, it is just as common that officers and prosecutors learn that the victim has gone back to the abuser within hours, days or weeks of the violence, and that she is now his greatest supporter. 

In an upcoming post on substance abuse I’ll make an argument that the use and abuse of alcohol and illegal drugs is often directly tied into violent relationships, either as a way for oppressed individuals to cope with the hell of their lives, as a tool used by the controlling personality to manipulate his or her victim, or as a chemical catalyst for touching off angry, violent episodes in situations that might otherwise have remained peaceful. 

There is often another form of addiction in these relationships, and that is the addiction to the relationship itself.  I think we can generally agree that it feels good to fall in love or to make up and renew a love, so good in fact, that some people unconsciously sabotage their otherwise positive relationships just so they can experience that wonderful vibe again.  Actual chemical reactions occur within the brain when humans feel passion, and anyone who has ever felt that knows that it is as alluring as crack cocaine must be to a junky.  So, too, is the sense that being with someone, even someone who treats you like dung is preferable to some people than the loathing they feel for loneliness.

I think this often holds true for a tremendous number of women involved in a domestic violence situation.  Remember that she has often been belittled and emotionally battered along with her physical injuries for a very long time.  Yes, he beats her, but she can often recognize the developing tension for what it will become and either take steps to calm him down (such as through sex), or at least be somewhat prepared when the hitting starts. 

            If, however, you have come to believe that you are as worthless and unappealing as he’s told you, how is it possible for you to conceive that another man would A) want you, and B) treat you well?  Given that, I can imagine a lot of scenarios in which a battered woman believes so deeply that she can never “do better,” accepting her lot in life as simply a hardship to bear along with low pay, sick children, or menstrual pain. 

            People latch onto awful causes and swear fealty to cruel and arrogant leaders, often for reasons so odd we fail to fully understand their logic.  Look at the followers of Jim Jones, David Koresch, or any dictator bent on ethnic cleansing throughout history and you get a feel for how powerful and intense an ill-gotten loyalty can truly be. 

            I don’t pretend to understand fully why someone would be loyal to a person who routinely terrorizes them, other than to point out that loyalty in its purest form is one of the more redeeming qualities, sadly manipulated by cruel, controlling people who thrive on the fact that there are people in his world who love, hate, revere and dread him so much that they will stand by him no matter what.  The only answer to that is a consistent, firm message from law enforcement, social work, medicine, judiciary, and communities in general that blindly following madness is madness, and then follow that message by offering paths to a different way. 

Addressing Threats

There are things that can be done in these situations that can allow a person to avoid the pitfalls associated with threats and to handle them in a logical, successful manner.  One of those strategies could include using the criminal justice system to help, and I strongly believe this is an important tool when one person is threatening another.  Being aware of what threats might come, and what they mean when they do allows victims and the friends and loved-ones of victims to participate more intelligently and supportively in their own defense.  People living in a situation in which threats are being made should generally come forward and expect a high level of support and expertise from their police agency. 

There isn’t much point to preparing for prosecution if you don’t take care of the most important aspect of the case which is, of course, making sure the person making the threats can’t follow through.  Police protection is a valuable thing, indeed, though I know of very few agencies with the manpower to devote around the clock protective services in most cases.  It happens in the direst circumstances, but this is rare. 

I once spent part of a semester in a kindergarten classroom acting as part of a team charged with keeping a man from kidnapping a child he had previously molested.  The man was out on bond, and he’d made his intentions to take the child and flee to another country very clear.  I reviewed primary colors, shapes and the alphabet for days, played a lot of four-square, and felt a lot of pride when that child was still happily sitting in his classroom after the man was finally sent off to prison. 

Round the clock protection is nearly impossible for most agencies in most situations.  This is an unfortunate result of tight budgets leading to inadequate manpower, and the never-ending fountain of a thousand public safety and law enforcement duties to be performed each and every day.  However, there are things any police agency can handle.  Let’s say hypothetically that a batterer/stalker has been released from jail on a bail bond, and he’s made it clear that he has no intention of relenting in his efforts to terrorize and control his ex wife.  What are some of the things that can be done to keep her safe at least until trial? 

Extra Patrol

Extra patrol is exactly what it sounds like; officers are assigned to provide extra presence and surveillance of a residence or place of employment during periods when stalking is suspected.  There are four objectives for this.  First and foremost is to establish a clear demonstration that officers have taken the victim under their wing and that they’ll be looking out for her.  It’s important that officers not establish any pattern to the patrol other than send the message, “We’re around.”  Officers that entrench themselves in a regular pattern are easy for bad guys to figure out, and it doesn’t take much imagination to learn when to break into the ex girlfriend’s house at a time when the cops aren’t likely to be around. 

Another objective is simply to have officers familiarize themselves with a potential trouble spot so that their response time will drop dramatically if and when a call for emergency help comes in.  If you’ve ever been to a large apartment complex or residential neighborhood in which the apartment or house numbers are hidden or difficult to find on the side of a building, you know why this is important.  (Pizza delivery people just nodded their heads.) 

An additional objective is to offer some sense of relief and security for a stalking victim.  We get numerous reports from victims that they were finally able to get a decent night’s sleep because they knew the police were patrolling their area looking out for them.  Having two or three officers who routinely come to check on you, who know your case, and who have taken a genuine interest in your safety can make all the difference in the world in terms of a victim’s morale, fortitude, and anxiety level. 

Finally, every once in a while the timing is right and a cop catches someone in the act while doing a routine extra patrol.  A potentially serious crime is thwarted, peace and safety is restored, and the bad guy goes to the pokey.  That is considered a touchdown in my business. 

Civil Stand By’s

Civil stand by’s are controversial in law enforcement and not every agency does them.  In short, a civil stand by involves dispatching one or two officers to provide security while a person goes back to their former residence to collect certain belongings.  For example, a battery victim who has escaped a bad situation into a shelter may need to go back to the house to get her social security card or birth certificate.  Maybe she needs an important legal document or a few changes of clothes.  There are some things that are so important that people will risk another beating or worse just to retrieve them, and it is far better in my opinion to spend ten minutes offering a safe passage than to deal with the fallout of a brand new offense later.  Call it crime prevention. 

            Civil stand-by’s are not about moving furniture or arguing about who keeps the plasma TV.  They should be quick and clean; get what you need and get out.  Yes, a person who left the house for safety reasons may never again see a cherished dresser or lie again in a comfortable bed and, frankly, officers don’t have the time to spend while estranged couples quibble over possessions.  People throughout history have had to drop treasures too heavy or bulky to carry quickly while being pursued by oppressors, and it may just be that escaping a life of oppression in the home means leaving behind important, expensive items.  I’m not saying it’s fair, and I would hope those issues would be resolved in a legal, equitable process, but when we’re talking about a life or lives, leaving the stereo system behind doesn’t seem like such a sacrifice after all. 

            Agencies that provide a civil stand-by service generally limit their officers’ on-scene time to around ten or fifteen minutes.  Officers are not allowed to make decisions about property, so contested pieces must remain in the house.  Officers are not allowed to assist in the moving, so they shouldn’t be asked or expected to help hoist a couch or carry a suitcase.  Their job is to keep the peace, maintain everyone’s safety, eliminate false allegations, and keep the person retrieving items focused on priorities. 

Alarm Systems

Alarm systems are not generally dispensed by police agencies, but most agencies have the ability to help stalking victims access free alarm systems.  Unfortunately, most police agencies don’t even know they can do this.  I’m loath to plug any individual company, but fair credit is due ADT Alarms, a nationwide company with a long history of providing high quality systems and monitoring*.  ADT will provide an alarm system, free of charge, in homes for victims with documented stalking problems.  This service is called the ADT AWARE ® Program, standing for Abused Women’s Active Response Emergency, and it has quietly been adding another layer of protection and security for victims since 1992.  The victim must adhere to certain rules such as maintaining a valid order of protection and not allowing the perpetrator back into the home.  The local police agency or prosecutor’s office must acknowledge that the client is a victim of violence and/or stalking, that the stalker is at large, and that the victim is cooperating or has cooperated in any applicable investigation and prosecution. 

            In exchange for following these simple rules, ADT outfits a residence with entry alarms, security keypad, an emergency button worn on a necklace, glass-break detection, and twenty-four hour monitoring.  Free!  Do you understand how valuable that can be for a person who lives in dread that the person she most fears will eventually come and break down her door?  It makes a huge difference, and ADT should be proud of this community service. 

            I would encourage you to explore this possibility with your local police agency if you know of a person suffering the indignities of stalking.  I would also encourage local police agencies or prosecutors offices to explore the AWARE ® program with an ADT official.  Their website is www.adt.com, or you can locate a representative through a local ADT office. 

Surveillance Systems

In the very worst stalking cases, it is sometimes helpful to install surveillance systems able to provide video evidence of trespasses, acts of intentional damage to property, residential burglaries, and actual physical attacks on the victims.  The best kind of system is motion activated so that it is not recording all the time, and it is also important that the system be well hidden. 

            These systems are expensive, and it is infrequent that small to mid-range police and sheriff departments have one.  Fortunately, quite a few narcotics squads have such a system.  They use it, obviously, to track the comings and goings of dealers into suspected distribution sites, but the system is very usable in a stalking situation.  The challenge is usually getting the narcotics guys to let an officer investigating a stalking complaint use the equipment and setting it up.  Surveillance cameras and recorders are coveted because there aren’t enough systems to go around and buying more isn’t generally feasible. 

            One concept we used was to buy equipment out of some grant funds we received for the specific purpose of tracking sex offenders, especially those coming to meet police officers posing on the Internet as thirteen-year-olds. When the predators show up to what they believe is a sexual rendezvous, they are often videotaped from the moment they step out of their car using remote systems like we’ve described.  It was a fairly simple matter to coordinate the sharing of such equipment in exchange for manpower assistance from the stalking unit guys when the time came to arrest the sex offenders.  See…governments can think outside the box and come up with good solutions from time to time. 

Enforcement

We’ll discuss the pros and cons of aggressive enforcement of protection orders and laws relating to domestic violence in another chapter.  Suffice it to say for now that aggressive enforcement tends to be the most protective, helpful solution in terms of getting stalkers to mend their ways.  I know that it feels like this would just tend to make them mad, but the reality is that when agencies show they are not going to dilly-dally with this type of nonsense, the nonsense tends to stop much sooner. 

---

* I am not a spokesman for ADT, nor have I received any compensation from them for making these comments.  I have simply appreciated their willingness to provide this service over the years.

Threats Part II

“I’ll Take Your Children From You!”

One of the most common threats has to do with taking away a victim’s children.  I don’t know about you, but there’s nothing more frightening to me than that.  The truth of the matter is that if investigators have all the facts and do their job, they can expose an abusive parent for what they are.  This can become extremely important in a child custody battle, especially one in which one of the parents has access to a lot of money, but the other has been the victim of abuse.  How fair is it for the abuser, who has a lot of financial support from enabling family members, to use the leverage of cash flow to win his or her day in court? 

A solid investigation can level the playing field.  Even though police officers are not working in the capacity of a private investigator, anything they discover in the course of their investigation can be used at a civil trial.  For example, if a police detective speaks with a former girlfriend of an abusive man, and that girlfriend reveals that he was abusive to her and to her children while they were dating, that information can potentially be presented by the current wife as evidence that he has a history and pattern of being cruel to the people he is supposed to care for.  Judges tend to be pretty intelligent people, and if they are presented with facts, as opposed to bluster and innuendo, they generally make sound decisions relative to safety, fairness, and what is in the best interest of the children involved. 

Threats about taking the children, of telling the world what a bad parent the domestic violence victim is, or of using financial status as a tool to manipulate what is fair and right are the cruelest form of abuse.  It is a form of manipulation that tends to work very well, but it is also a method that tends to shrivel when exposed to scrutiny and revelation.  Friends, victim advocates, police officers, and prosecutors need to understand just how terrifying and effective this threat can be, and then be ready with the counter argument that exposure of cruelty and systematic manipulation tends to make victims stronger and in a better position to maintain connections to his or her children. 

I’ll Leave You Homeless and Penniless!”

This threat seems to be about as common as any other.  Often batterers coordinate their situation so that they are in control of finances, the lease agreement or mortgage, ownership of all vehicles, and all accounts on important links to family and friends such as telephone service and computer access.

A new twist on this old story has to do with modern technology and twenty-first century dating practices.  We’ve been seeing more cases of late having to do with women who left everything behind including social and family connections, a good job, and a community in which they are known and trusted all for the sake of a man they met and fell in love with over the Internet.  Ain’t that a kick in the teeth?  Somehow multitudes of intelligent, caring women fall in love with a man via their keyboard and a tiny video camera perched atop their computer, give up just about everything valuable in order to move several states away, and realize weeks or months later what a flytrap they’ve walked into.  There are very few women who feel less betrayed and humiliated than this group, and time and again we hear how resistant they were to admit their hellish situation to family back home after realizing how duped they’ve been. 

All I can say to that is be proud, but don’t be prideful; there is an important distinction, and if your pride is keeping you from reaching out for help to people who love you and who dream of being able to help, swallow that pride and extract yourself from the trap.  Most likely you’ll shake your head in wonder six months later, amazed and grateful that your nightmare didn’t go on one additional day because you had the fortitude to take action. 

Back to financial concerns:  Yes, the prospect of being homeless and poor is a daunting one.  Indeed, it is cited as the number one reason women leave shelters and go back home to what they know will be a bad situation. 

Choice one:  A place to live where, in most cases, you get food, a bed, and a place for your kids. 

Choice two:  Homelessness, hunger, and the potential for exposure to violence and sexual assault and/or prostitution.  Choice one requires that you tolerate emotional abuse, physical beatings, and rape from time to time, but at least you know the guy.  Choice two is terrifying, and shouldn’t even have to be a choice at all. 

So let’s agree from the start that choice two is not a viable alternative, and choice one must be eliminated as unacceptable.  Other options must be generated if there is to be any hope of breaking the cycle of violence and getting people out of an abusive situation. 

One obvious option is for a victim of domestic violence to go stay with friends or family.  In many cases, this is an excellent move.  The person is around people who care for her, are likely to protect her, and will give her time to heal and get back on her feet.  Unfortunately, this isn’t an option in many cases due to distance, strained relationships, fears that the family members will be placed in harms way by exposing them to the menace of the abuser, or a simple lack of financial resources for a host family. 

Domestic violence shelters are generally an option, though most carry a thirty to forty-five day time limit simply because they must keep making space for the next victim to get in.  Forty-five days isn’t a whole lot of time when you’ve been left with nothing in the bank, no job, no transportation to go find a job, and no time to go out looking for suitable living conditions. 

Suffice it to say that financial burdens are a big, whopping challenge in the context of making a bid for freedom from an abusive situation.  Shelters that go the extra mile to assist in procuring long-term, low-cost housing, assisting with transportation needs so that clients can get to job interviews and make it to work, and offering life skill training such as interviewing skills, budgeting, and finance management go a long way toward generating conditions that allow victims to break out of their cells and become self-sufficient, productive citizens. 

Let me put a bug in your ear before we move from this section on finances.  One of the biggest obstacles faced by victims in this situation is a need for transportation.  Some cities have excellent mass transit options such as busses and light rail.  Other cities simply don’t, and it is there where we actually see a higher incidence of victims returning to abusive spouses simply because getting back and forth to a job, getting the kids to school or to the doctor, and being able to make reasonable trips to the grocery store become almost impossible.  If you want to help, consider donating an old car to a local shelter.  In most cases the shelter will have local volunteer mechanics repair it to working condition for free, you get a big tax break, and a person struggling to make a new life for herself and her children gets a big break. 

“I’ll Tell Your Friends and Family About…”

            Couples share intimate secrets; it’s one of the more enjoyable aspects of being romantically involved.  Unfortunately, in a situation in which one person is trying desperately to control the other, old secrets can come back to haunt the person of his/her obsession.  For example, maybe he knows she’s embarrassed about having Herpes or that she once got arrested for shoplifting; perhaps she spoke ill of her favorite aunt’s new boyfriend (the one she ended up marrying) after a family reunion, and now she’s worried about hurting the aunt’s feelings; maybe he’s just willing to make up lies about her to the family, and she knows he is charming enough to make everyone believe her.  Regardless, the idea of being ostracized from the people you care about is intimidating when used as a manipulation tool.  Remember that we are probably talking about a person who has been verbally abused and put down for years in some cases, so when a man who professes to love her on Monday turns around and calls her ugly or slutty on Tuesday, it actually matters to her.  You or I might be able to laugh in his face, but she may not have the insight and confidence to shrug off insults at this point in her life.  The threat of ostracism is much bigger than one might realize, especially for someone living a life in which she already feels lonely and cut off from the rest of her world. 

“I’ll Kill You If You Try To Leave Me!”

Death threats are another effective way to control the people you claim to love.  Death threats, both outright such as in, “I will kill you if you don’t come home,” and veiled such as, “You know what will happen if you don’t come home,” often come after years of physical and emotional abuse, episodes of strangulation, menacing whispers promising to commit homicide followed by suicide, “If I ever catch you with another man,” and incidents involving gun barrels held to the head and knives held to the throat. 

In other words, the threats are taken as real and, frankly, they should be.  After all, we’re talking about a very controlling, ego driven bully who might consider it fitting and honorable to kill his wife if she left him, and then intentionally get in a gunfight with police so that he can go out in a blaze of spiteful, meaningless “glory.”  Death threats must be taken seriously.  I assure you the victims take them seriously, and police officers, advocates, prosecutors and judges must also. 

Death threats are often hard to prove.  They are seldom announced in a public manner, and it is only in golden, rare moments when they are recorded.  It is often truly a “he said, she said” scenario.  However, diligent digging on the part of an investigator can often result in previous victims making statements that he made similar threats to them when they were dating.  Those statements from previous victims can be very helpful in establishing a pattern of violence that might be usable at trial, but can almost certainly be used for sentencing purposes after the trial.  Knowing this, many defense attorneys will advise their clients to take a plea bargain rather than risk a trial, knowing that if they lose at trial the sentence is likely to be much harsher because of the previous victim’s statements. 

Sometimes victims are able to make phone calls to the suspect in the presence of a police officer who is recording the whole conversation, and those calls often result in a rich line of audio evidence.  The transcript below is a portion of a recorded phone call between a woman and her boyfriend of several years.  She endured physical and emotional abuse from the man for some time, but this particular day she’d had enough.  The man was certainly a VIP in our city, with lots of political and financial connections.  We had to make sure we got him solid.  What do you think?

VICTIM

Hey.

SUSPECT (loving tones at first)

Hey, muffin, what’s up? 

VICTIM

I’ve got to go to the doctor.

SUSPECT

What for?

VICTIM

I’m bleeding from my vagina, and I think my nose is broken?

SUSPECT

What are you going to tell them?

VICTIM

I won’t tell them you hurt me.  I’ll tell them I fell, but I need some money so I can pay them. 

SUSPECT (not so nice anymore)

Bitch, you don’t need to go to the doctor. 

VICTIM

I’m bleeding from my vagina!  You hit me in my vagina.  Why did you do that?

SUSPECT

Bitch, just take a fucking shower.  It’s probably just some little scratch.  You’re gonna go to the doctor for a little scratch?  They’re just going to laugh at you. 

VICTIM

Billie, my nose is broken.  You broke my nose!

SUSPECT

Is this about the money?  I didn’t hit you that hard.  Besides, there’s nothing they can do for a broken nose anyway.  You’re just gonna have to tough this one out.  It’ll heal.  I know what you’re trying to do, you slut.  You’re trying to work me for some money, and it isn’t going to work.  You just need to take a shower and shut your damn mouth.

            His attorneys advised him to take a guilty plea after they heard the recording. 

This technique is nerve racking for the victim because it involves her making a phone call to the person she is most afraid of in the world.  The Supreme Court has ruled that this tool is acceptable in most cases as long as one of the two people talking on the phone knows the call is being recorded.  Rules can vary from state to state, so you’ll need to check with a local law enforcement agency or prosecutor’s office before diving into this method, but these recorded phone calls often are the best evidence source in a he said, she said situation. 

I’ll Kill Myself If You Leave Me

This threat is highly effective in many cases.  Remember that we are often dealing with confused and complicated emotions.  A victim of systematic domestic abuse can feel many things toward her oppressor:  Hate, love, terror, joy, loathing and sympathy.  No one wants to live with another person’s suicide on his or her conscience, so this threat can be completely effective in terms of getting her to come back.  Unfortunately, once she’s back, she’s trapped once again.  There is often a much better alternative, and we’ll discuss how to handle this threat in more detail in the chapter on leaving and living safely.  

Threats Part I

Let’s dive a little deeper into the concept of threats.  If you’ve never really been threatened, they can be a little hard to grasp in terms of their psychological power.  In police work, threats are used toward officers so often that they are routinely laughed off.  If a person threatens to kick an officer’s rear end, said officer will likely ask him why he hasn’t tried yet or graciously encourage him to get on with it.  If he says he’s going to sue the officer, he’ll probably be invited to get in line behind everyone else who has ever made that threat. 

            But if threats are something you only know in concept, or experience in a limited fashion, it’s important for you to get a firmer grasp.  The most important idea for anyone to understand is that threats are simply a form of psychological warfare.  That’s not to say that some people won’t follow through with their threats, but the objective in threatening is to worm a way deep into the psyche of the target in order to achieve a personal, hateful agenda. 

            For the purposes of illustrating the concept of psychological manipulation, let’s look for a moment at a hypothetical man who has chosen a path of hate and violence to accomplish his political agenda.  That man lives and works around other people who have no idea he plans to destroy human lives and valuable property to meet those goals.  He goes smiling to his job each day, and even has genuine friends among those whose thoughts and actions don’t necessarily mirror his own. 

            Occasionally the man must interact with a person or persons he considers enemies, people he fully plans to injure or destroy at another opportunity.  If the opportunity isn’t right, though, the man can certainly feign pleasantness and cordiality.  In fact, this conveyed sense of respect and friendship, false as it may be, works well in terms of keeping the “enemy” off balance and always guessing where the next attack will come from. 

            On Friday our hypothetical man has lunch with members of the governing board in his region.  They all smile at one another, shake hands, break bread, and generally have a pleasant day talking about sports, weather, a comedian or musician on a television show the night before, etc.  On Saturday our fellow sets off a bomb inside the same building, killing eight of the acquaintances from the day before and himself in the process. 

            The killings are, in and of themselves, tragic, but the aftermath is even more ominous.  How can the other people dedicated to peace and equality ever truly believe one another again when they aren’t sure who among the smiling “friends” is planning to blow them into vapor the next day?  Distrust and dissension follow, and peace accords fall through because no one trusts the others at the table.  And the violence and hatred continue. 

            The man who ate lunch with the others, and then shattered himself just so he could cause this chaos got exactly what he wanted.  It is little matter that he was destroyed; what matters is that he and his ilk now control the situation, at least temporarily, and they can extend that control indefinitely with strategic reminders that it could happen again.  The man has more control in death than he had in life, an extraordinary irony if there ever was one. 

            That pattern of kindness and charm during some exchanges, appearing wholesome and genuine to the rest of the world, but with a willingness and even zeal to utilize threats and violence when it suits their needs is a strategy often utilized as well by people who beat up and terrorize the people with whom they live.  With the exception of the fact that in our example we are clearly dealing on a world stage with the potential for far more casualties, there is little difference in the process of terrorism.  The political terrorist targets people who are perceived enemies of his nation, clan or ideology.  The terrorist who targets his or her “loved ones” living in his own home creates and systematically sustains an environment of limited warfare.  Both forms of terrorists do this out of a sense of (real or imagined) threat, an affront to their dignity, and/or a desire to extend their sphere of influence and control. 

            At its simplest level, both kinds use the threat of future violence to remarkable success.  It is the lack of rhythm that is perhaps most unsettling of all.  If you step into a boxing ring you know you’re likely to get hit.  You can adapt, and your tolerance for that extra stress can rise.  If however, you know you’re going to get attacked at some point, but you don’t know when, you live life under constant pressure with little or no hope of feeling peace or contentment.  There are times of relative peace in both types of combat zones, but the sense of it is fleeting and artificial.

            After a while this psychological warfare can be extraordinarily effective in the domestic setting.  We know this from the fact that victims are often cowed by little more than an arched eyebrow or that “certain smile.”  They can be held in what amounts to enslavement or servitude for years prior to anyone finding out, all because of a mind control technique.

            The threats generally include something specific about the targeted victim.  For example, if the victim once said something disparaging about her mother, the person trying to control her might bring up her insults years later and threaten to tell the mother exactly how her daughter feels about her.  Never mind that she said those things in a heated moment years earlier.  The controller knows how badly it would affect his wife’s relationship with his mother-in-law, and he will be more than happy to use it if and when the time is right. 

            Most threats fall into one of four general categories: taking the children, financial ruination, ostracization from friends and family, and more violence (including death threats). 

            In the case of violence, it should be fairly obvious that this is simply a threat of hurting the victim or people the victim cares about.  In one case I worked, a woman called from a shelter to report years of systematic physical abuse culminating in a vicious rape and aggravated assault.  Actually, she didn’t call.  The social workers at the shelter did, because even though she was living in a safe, secure facility, the man was calling her incessantly, threatening to kill her in each and every conversation. 

            Why she kept answering her cell phone is a little beyond me except for the fact that she had clearly been conditioned to respond when he said or did certain things.  One of those things was that she was required to pick up the phone within two rings if she recognized the number as belonging to him.  I later learned she was not allowed to answer if it was not her husband, even if it was from their children’s school. 

The staff at the shelter were terrified that she was going to walk out at any moment because the woman was so habituated to his demands that she repeatedly told them she thought it might be better if she did as he had told her to do. 

            You have to understand that the shelter staff could not and would not stop her from leaving.  Life is choice, and as bad a choice as it would have been for her to leave the locked facility and run out to his car, it was still her decision to make.  Darn that nutty “free will.”

            Eventually they got her to agree to speak with me, although when I first walked in I had my doubts as to whether she would even tell me her name, much less make a police report or pursue prosecution. 

            She was about as badly beaten as anyone I’ve ever seen outside a hospital.  For the record, she’d already been to the hospital and released to the shelter.  I don’t want you to think we’d delay treatment just to get a police report. 

            Both of her eyes were black, her nose was swollen and crooked, her hair had been pulled out in huge hunks, her left earlobe had been bitten off and was covered with a softball-sized dressing, her arms had enough bruises running their length that they looked like a leopard pattern, she had trouble breathing because of the cracked ribs on her left side, and she walked slightly hunched over because of the pounding she took to her pelvis and kidneys.  

            Oh, I forgot to mention…the whole thing started when she “smarted off” to him that she wasn’t going to have the abortion he was insisting she have.  He told her he’d just get rid of the baby himself, and he commenced to land a flurry of kicks and blows primarily aimed at her uterus.  Then he raped her while she slipped in and out of consciousness.  When he left to go to work the next morning she did the bravest thing she’d ever done in her whole life.  She left. 

            Make no mistake—her terror didn’t end simply because she packed the kids and a small suitcase and made it to a sanctuary.  Just as I have rarely seen anyone with a worse beating, I had also rarely seen a more genuinely frightened human being.  Doors opening made her jump.  Cars driving by made her cry.  When his favorite television show came on the shelter’s TV, she ran sobbing from the room.  His phone calls caused her to hyperventilate, and twice she developed hives and had to take a tranquilizer. 

            I happened to be present during a moment when he called, which wasn’t the miraculous timing you might think because the bastard was calling every five to ten minutes.

            He was one angry fellow, and I overheard phrases that led me to firmly believe he intended to kill her and everyone in the shelter if she didn’t get her butt outside and into his truck when he pulled up in the next few minutes. 

            Boy was he surprised when I was the one who actually climbed into his truck, but it wasn’t to go home with him.  I want to be clear that I really don’t like to fight.  I’m a larger than average man with good communication skills who can generally avoid physical confrontations.  This man, however, did not go willingly and, I must say, there was something particularly gratifying about that fact that day.  I didn’t exact equal justice for what he’d done to that poor woman back at the shelter, but I bet he was damned sore and discolored himself the next day. 

Threats work, though, and anyone who is in the process of trying to help a victim recover her freedom needs to understand just how insipid they can be.  The intimidation she’s endured again and again over the years is as big a reason for her staying in an abusive situation as anything else.  That being the case, I think it’s important to expose some of the more common ones for the shams they are. 

Using Our Inside Voice: The Power of Intuition

This post is for the whole choir, whether it be the victims, the friends of victims, the cop investigating the crime, the social worker who is trying to make reason of a bad situation, or the stranger who happens to be walking by a house and hears sounds of what could be a domestic assault in progress.  I’ll sum up the whole message in four words:  Listen to your intuition. 

“When you are at imminent risk, intuition forgets about all…logical thought and just sends the fear signal.  You are given the opportunity to react to a prediction that has already been completed by the time it comes into consciousness.”  Gavin De Becker wrote that in his book, “The Gift of Fear:  Survival Signals” (Little, Brown & Company, 1997, page 88).  The point in that paragraph and in the entire book for that matter is that people who listen to their inner voices tend to survive a lot longer and live lives of greater quality.  That voice, sometimes called intuition, is what keeps you from walking down dark alleys or going out on a date with a guy who gives you the creeps.    

De Becker lists the messengers of intuition:  Nagging feelings, persistent thoughts, humor, wonder, anxiety, curiosity, hunches, gut feelings, doubt, hesitation, suspicion, apprehension, fear (73).  Perhaps you’re having an irrational fear as you dip your toe into ocean water while gazing out toward the sunset, but it is likely your anxiety is that voice telling you there’s a nine-foot bull shark sniffing around in the shadows ten yards out.  Maybe the guy I’m investigating for allegations that he forged some checks is innocent, but my gut is telling me that he’s also good for some robberies and muggings we’ve had in the same area. 

I had a sociology professor in college who swore that human beings had lost all instinct and intuition as we developed higher brain functioning and reasoning skills.  He was an idiot who eventually died at the hands of his pre-menopausal wife*.  I assume he made that announcement, always in an indignant tone, and always on the first day of each semester, just to provoke a big fight in the classroom.  How could he argue such a point when every human alive knows that voice exists?  There are universal mysteries out there, and one of them is how we sometimes know without knowing.  Given that, isn’t it prudent to pay attention? 

Which is exactly what I’m asking you to do.  If you have a nagging feeling that your sister is getting attacked by your brother-in-law or you have a suspicion that your ex boyfriend is watching you, you’re potentially right.  Embrace it for the free knowledge that it is before you actually have to pay for having not listened.  If the voice calls you to act, take action.  If that means you suddenly feel the overwhelming compulsion to run from an underground parking garage, kick off your heels and be a track star. 

I’ve had two overpowering memorable screams from my intuitive voice in my lifetime.  One was to stop riding motorcycles.  I had ridden for years, but something told me my luck had run out.  A couple of weeks later I was rear-ended while driving my car, struck so hard that I was never able to open the driver’s side door again.  If I’d been on two wheels, there would have been little or no chance for survival.  Did my voice save me?  I gotta say it did, although logically there’s no way to know if I would have been riding that day had I not listened to my gut. 

The second came a couple of years into my career when I stopped two thugs pulling into one of the most notorious apartment complexes in my city.  I was alone, and I knew my backup was several minutes away.  Both men calmly got out of the car and walked a short distance into shadows.  They stopped and turned when I hailed them, but something in the way they looked at me…I don’t know, it was like they had me and they knew it.  I’d spied two other men deeper in the shadows, but I don’t know if they had additional friends around the corner or heavy firepower under their jackets.  I just knew, with all my heart I knew, that I was walking into a trap they’d set. 

And I bid them goodnight.  I like to think I wasn’t a coward that night.  Some officers would say I was, I suppose.  I didn’t have evidence of any serious crimes, just traffic infractions, but I’m certain they carried weapons, dope or both.  What can I say?  I backed off to live another day, and I believe I would not have survived that night if I’d ignored my hunch.  I can’t prove it; I just know it with certainty. 

We hear a lot about intuition from stalking victims.  They often know with the clarity of a flashing sign that they’re being followed or are under surveillance.  I’ve often heard, “I feel silly for calling, but I just have a feeling that he’s watching me.” 

I’m glad they call because I’d much rather have officers check the area and make sure she’s safe than blow off her nagging feeling and leave her to be hurt.  Which one do you think would be easier for a police officer to live with? 

The way to live this life is to strike a balance between wariness and paranoia.  Too little in one direction and you end up getting hit by a bus; too much and you arrive at mid journey worn and insane.  There is no quarter given in this world for extreme naiveté, but by the same token you don’t have to go overboard and become a cynical hermit.  The balance lies in trusting yourself to know your limits, listening to your inner voice when it calls for you to tread cautiously, and allowing yourself to ask for help when appropriate to do so. 

We are the richest of beings in that we have been endowed with higher reasoning and brain function in addition to our instincts and intuitions.  When we combine all of these innate skills, we have the potential to achieve a life-harmony and internal alarm system unique in the entire world.  And it is that very combination that allows us to dream, create, conquer challenges, and run like a gazelle when predators try to pounce.

---

* Okay, I made that up, but he was still an idiot.  

Job Hunt II: Action Steps for Employers

An excellent study done by Dr. Anne O’Leary-Kelly and Dr. Carol Reeves through the Sam M. Walton College of Business, University of Arkansas found clear evidence that domestic violence costs employers multi-billions of dollars each year, and accounts for millions of productive hours lost in the form of absenteeism in some cases, workplace distraction in most of the cases, and increased healthcare costs in nearly all cases.  Billions a year wasted because employees are getting beaten up the night before they have to go to work, or they’re sitting at their work stations wondering if he’s going to kidnap the kids today or be waiting in the parking lot to kill her after her shift. 

            Certainly a company could decide that it just isn’t worth the effort.  There may be a line of folks out the door waiting for the next job opening, and it might make prudent business sense to simply let a stalking victim go and replace her with somebody who will be there every day, will be focused when at work, and won’t drive up the company’s healthcare costs.  On the other hand, the University of Arkansas study also found that former victims of domestic violence were every bit as reliable once their situation had resolved successfully, and that the level of loyalty to the company rose significantly when the employer assisted in helping her achieve a safer, more secure life.

            I once dealt with two remarkably similar stalking cases, two of the very worst I’ve ever encountered, and both of them occurred within the same year.  In both cases the targeted women worked for the same employer but in different facilities.  The company for which they worked is one of the largest and most respected in our area, with a solid reputation for excellence within that industry.  Both were college-educated professionals with superb work histories, respected by their supervisors and colleagues, and both with career plans that included staying employed where they were and continuing an upward rise within that system.  One of the women had children, though from a different man than the one who almost took her life; the other one had children, but they were grown and off to college by the time her stalker began his pattern of torment. 

            In both cases the men in question relentlessly called these women, both of whom had broken up with them after violent episodes.  They both snuck into the respective places of employment and accosted co-workers of the women in an attempt to locate them within the buildings.  In both cases the security systems within the facilities and the police officers from my agency were utilized on several occasions.  In both cases the men had guns, binoculars and handcuffs, and one of the men had a set of night-vision goggles. 

            One of the women was eventually forced to leave her home because she never, ever felt safe there.  The other was forced to leave her home when an intentionally set fire destroyed it while she was at work one day.  We eventually arrested her stalker for arson along with several other offenses, but I have often wondered how she will ever feel completely safe again knowing that a man who once professed to love her was crazy and cruel enough to burn her home because she wouldn’t go on any more dates with him. 

            As similar as these stories are, they differed dramatically when it came to how the women were treated by their respective supervisors.  Remember that they both worked for the same employer.  The same person signed their paychecks, but they worked in two different locations under different supervisors. 

            In the first case, we found that the woman was completely and totally supported by her supervisor and co-workers.  If her stalker had come back into the building, I’m completely convinced that a vigilante group would have quickly formed, and the man would have been chased off the premises with pitchforks and torches.  She was given some time off to get her affairs in order after her house burned and for the times when she was expected in court.  She was offered counseling for herself and her children, her boss routinely checked on her spirits and safety plan, and she existed in a supportive cocoon-like environment for months while we investigated and sought prosecution. 

            In the second case, the woman was temporarily reassigned to a different facility.  She was not supported when she told her boss she needed time to go to protection order hearings or to meet with the prosecutor.  Some of her co-workers supported her, but others griped that they had to pick up the slack left by her because she was taking off too much time.  One vocal group decided that her stalker was probably going to hurt all of them and wondered why she was being allowed to stay if her presence was putting them all in peril. 

            Ironically, I later learned that one of the more vocal members of the group had previously taken half a year off for maternity leave, and another had threatened to sue the organization when there was talk of cutting back on paid cigarette breaks.  Sigh.

            Anyway, the woman was eventually forced out of her job.  Too bad, because she was highly specialized in her field and replacing her was something of a problem.  Nonetheless, she was given a severance package and a promise that she was eligible for re-hire as soon as her stalker went to prison or left her alone. 

            The silver lining in this story is that she found a higher paying job out of state and met a man who treats her like a queen, which is nice because she certainly deserved a break.  The stalker went to prison and the good guys won, but I occasionally shake my head as I remember her story and wonder how her employer could have done things differently. 

            The truly fascinating concept in the respective stories of these two women is that they worked for the same company but were treated vastly different.  Certainly there were variations between the individuals and their problems, but the basic story was the same for both of them.  If anything, the man stalking the woman who kept her job and was surrounded by supportive administrators and co-workers was the more dangerous of the two.  He burned his ex girlfriend’s house, for goodness sake. 

            Why then did one supervisor and facility respond with wrap-around services, and the other all but shove a valuable veteran worker out?  Frankly, I don’t have an answer, but I do know that inconsistency is a breeding ground for lawsuits, poor morale and communication deterioration.  

            One question that a company might ask of itself is whether or not an existing policy on workplace violence is enough to cover the specific issues related to domestic violence.  Most companies have some idea or plan for what management and staff will do if, say, a co-worker shows up to work and starts beating up somebody else.  Many companies, schools and government agencies now routinely consider what to do in case of a shooting incident or a bomb threat.  Is that enough to cover how a company should respond when an employee is being hunted and tormented by her ex boyfriend? 

            It may not be enough when a company has to deal with the potential landmines of domestic violence and stalking for a couple of different reasons.  Most policies and procedures adequately deal with what to do in the event of a violent episode or even a potentially violent incident such as a bomb threat.  What most agencies don’t address specifically, and what should be as crystal clear to all employees as possible, is what to do when a situation has the potential to get very hot, but has only reached a warm stage. 

            In other words, if a guy was attacking a woman in the parking lot, a number of things would likely happen right away, many of which were already dictated by policy or procedural guidelines.  Security would either intervene or get backup to assist the woman in trouble; someone would call the police; witnesses would give statements and everyone would document what they saw as part of the company record.  The very fact that an emergency was actually taking place invokes a certain amount of action, much of which has likely already been addressed in some form as part of the company’s policy and procedure dictates. 

            What if there is no emergency but the potential for one exists?  Yes, Security can be alerted, but what other preventive measures can be taken?  Under what circumstances should the police be called?  Does the employee need some type of assistance or counseling?  Does the company have any legal exposure or the potential for exposure?   

            If a victim hasn’t asked yet for help, does a company step forward and offer anyway?  What if she is still in love with him and resents what she perceives as a supervisor’s intrusions into her personal life?  Or what if she is afraid of him, but knows that she can always manage to calm him down better than her boss or some police officer possibly could? 

See how the questions just continue to grow?  It is the ambiguity in certain situations that confuses the issue because, again, you’re dealing with an extremely touchy situation on many different levels.  No wonder companies have traditionally shied away from getting into specifics when it comes to writing policy in this area.  That having been said, I think there are a few points that can be covered in a company manual that will help clarify an organization’s position in this area. 

• The company will become involved at some level if and when other employees may be at risk.
• The company will become involved, if only to learn more about the specific issues, when there is reason to believe the business’ enterprise is being jeopardized.
• The company will provide reasonable protection and security for an endangered employee.
• The company can provide information on services available to victims of domestic violence such as shelters, legal aid, medical care, criminal justice and police protections, transportation, and counseling, and do this in a discreet, compassionate manner.
• A company may choose to seek certain remedies for its own losses such as seeking prosecution in criminal courts for such offenses as threats, violent or destructive acts, trespassing and thefts
• A company may choose to seek certain remedies through civil courts such as torts for lost revenue and costs incurred when dealing with the ramifications of domestic violence and stalking that has encroached into the workplace itself
• A company may also choose to organize a Domestic Violence Response Team potentially comprised of personnel from such departments as Security, Human Resources, Legal, Medical, Employee Associations, Management, Training/Continuing Education, and Public Relations.  

This Domestic Violence Response Team (varying in size based on need, size of organization, etc.) can be tasked with various duties such as spreading the word about company initiatives in this area, training management and leadership about what is to be expected in a domestic violence situation, providing information about services to victims, arranging appropriate security measures for specific challenges, and establishing effective communication channels with area law enforcement agencies. 

One thing that should be made clear for members of such a team is that they are not being charged with solving all the problems.  Their primary task is to know what resources are available both inside and outside of the company, and to delegate specific tasks out to those services. 

In other words, members on a team such as this won’t be sitting on phones all day trying to find shelter for a woman who came into the home office crying because she knows she’ll be beaten when she goes home that night.  The team would have numbers to local shelters, and they would offer those numbers to the woman.  The Shelter staff is probably quite experienced at finding appropriate places for the woman to stay, and they’ll very likely follow up with her for other services such as counseling, medical care, legal advice, etc. 

Another example might be a woman who discloses to a co-worker that she is being stalked by her ex boyfriend and that the torment is resulting in her feeling deeply depressed.  Yes, Security needs to get involved, but wouldn’t it be nice to also have numbers for crisis hotlines or licensed therapists who can immediately address the problem and help this woman start feeling alive again?  This is an employee in crisis, not significantly different from one who is worried about serious health issues or going through some other personal issue such as divorce or financial problems. 

It is not an employer’s responsibility to handle the problem for the employee.  It may be, however, that an employer chooses to be supportive and offer various suggestions and services to good employees so that their people can get back on track and return to maximum effectiveness sooner.  Bottom line, this is a business decision, though it is one in which the lives of real human beings are interwoven.  Personally, I can’t stand the thought of some stalker making himself such a nuisance that an employer fires his ex girlfriend just to be rid of him.  It’s not fair, and it tends to perpetuate the pattern of abuse and terror in that the victim is left with even fewer options, resources and support than before.  I would much rather see employers suck it up and take some calculated, strategic risks for good folks, all the while working in partnership with local law enforcement, professional specialists within the company, social service agencies in the community, and the victim to create successful, safe, and even profitable solutions to the challenge at hand. 

For more information on how this translates into actual policy and procedure, visit the websites at www.caepv.org (Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence) and www.endabuse.org.  There you will find excellent examples of how other companies have put their philosophical stand against domestic violence and their written declarations that they will stand firmly with employees suffering from domestic violence and stalking into actual practice.  End Abuse.org publishes a litany of resources and suggestions including sample policies that can easily be adapted for just about any company.  Here, for example, is a sample policy offered by End Abuse.org covering a general statement that could be used as the backbone for a more extensive policy: 

We are committed to providing information, resources and support for employees and management responding to employees’ domestic violence concerns in order to create a safe, productive workplace.  Our organization treats all employees fairly and will not discriminate against an employee in any employment actions (including recruiting, hiring, promoting, disciplining, or terminating) because the employee is or is perceived to be, a victim of domestic violence. 

To enable employees to seek assistance for domestic violence needs, we encourage management to respond to employees who are victims of domestic violence in an open-minded manner.  Respecting employees needs for confidentiality and self-determination whenever possible, we reserve the right to disclose limited information and take action when it is clearly necessary to protect the safety of our employees. 

End Abuse.org also makes suggestions for sample content on education and training, safety and security, how and when an employee can take leave such as sick, vacation or Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) time, and procedures for including leadership and management in a domestic violence challenge. 

Frankly, they’ve already done a lot of the work, and any company, large or small, would likely benefit from some research time with this organization.  They also provide best-case examples and highlight above-and-beyond efforts by companies that are putting their money, time and resources where their mouths are when it comes to this issue. 

Domestic violence and stalking are clearly a bottom-line, profit margin concern for companies.  Six billion dollars lost a year in this country alone due to lost time, workplace distraction and medical costs, all associated with this one issue.  Companies are faced with a choice:  To get rid of an employee whose personal life and problems are intruding into the workplace environment, or to make a stand with a person going through a personal crisis and offer security, guidance, and support, all the while protecting the company’s interests and assets. 

It takes courage to launch and successfully run a business.  It also takes courage to stand shoulder to shoulder in a conflict and accept some of the brunt from the opposition so that one person doesn’t suffer all of the pressure, pain and fear alone.  I call upon that spirit of entrepreneurship and grit to incorporate proven methods and find innovative ways to support good workforces in this challenge.  I believe the reward will be a long-term, loyal employee and a safer workplace.